My mistake
by born a dreamer
Summary: Once upon a time there was a young innorcent boy, Matt Ishida. Matt had a best friend, however, he screwed everything up by making this little, stupid mistake....
1. Chapter 1

Chapter one

Hi. I'm Matt, not that my name says that much but I thought you might wanna know. I'm 17. And I'm gay. That's basically everything you need to know about me.

Matt.

17.

Gay.

Oh, and another thing –stupid. No, that's too weak –a fuckin' idiot sounds better. Yes, there we have it:

Matt, 17, gay, and a fuckin' idiot.

Nice to meet you. Are there still any confusions? Well, I guess I better start from the beginning then, so that you slow ones out there can keep up.

It's not like I just woke up one day and thought 'man, I'm gay'. I guess it just came to a point when it was official, and all those little hints I've gotten through the past few years made so much sense. Of course I had the amazing luck to fall in love with my best friend. So it was because of him I found out, it wasn't because of him I _got _gay; by that time I actually realised I'd been that for a _very_ long time. Or, you know, maybe I've always been... So I got all these weird thoughts and dreams about him and of course I acted weird. At first I couldn't even figure it out. Then I just denied it. It's like death's phases, you know; chock, deny, anger, fear, and um… acceptance. I don't really know everyone, maybe there's more. But anyway, I went through those phases by first 'getting' that I'm gay, then denying it, then getting scared and then depressed of course. I don't really know if I've gotten to the accepting phase, but I do think I'm on my way. But anyhow, the thing I was gonna tell you about was the time when I _really_ screwed up.

We were having a sleepover. I don't know, about our 12 745th one, or something. So it was really nothing, it was just a part of the weekend. I think I was somewhere between the 'knowing' part and the 'not knowing' part. I hadn't really figured it out just yet.

So before we were gonna sleep, we goofed around, cracked jokes and stuff like we usually do. Then we went to bed. I slept on a mattress and he slept in his bed. His dad had to come up like five times and tell us to shut up, before we finally did. So by three or so in the morning, we finally said goodnight and felled asleep shortly.

Somewhere between four and six o clock I woke up. I went to the bathroom, and when I came back, Tai's (oh, that's his name by the way) pillow was on my mattress. So I bent over his bed to put it back. He was sleeping on his back, with his mouth slightly open. It was kinda fascinating watching him sleep, 'cause he didn't have this _o-yeah-I'm-so-cool-_mask on. He was sleeping like a baby. Peaceful, you know? I know that everybody says that, but they are telling the truth. It was cute. So what did I do? Did I go back to sleep like a good boy? No, I stood there and watched him. I still don't know for how long I watched him, but it was probably a long time because before I knew it, it was sunrise. So when the sun shone on his face he looked like an angel. I wanted to kiss him, that's the only thought I remember from that night; 'I wanna kiss him' So did I do that? No, I didn't dare. Instead I started moving my finger to my lips to kiss it, but I couldn't even do _that_, so I just stroked his lips very briefly. Then I got a little more courage and placed it on my lips and then stroked his lips again with the kissed fingertip. There, I kissed him. Well, _almost_. At that time I didn't really think about _why _I wanted to kiss him, or why I'd been staring at him for hours instead of sleeping. I just stood there, thinking 'should I kiss him? Should I? I want to, but what if…? And what if…?'

Do you wanna know what happened? Are you sure? Maybe I won't tell you. Maybe I feel like messing with you a little… what do you think happened? Huh? Did I kiss him? Did he wake up? Did he wake up before I got the _chance_ to kiss him? Did I just go back to sleep? Did I keep staring at him until he woke up? Did I fall asleep _while _I watched him? Did I fall asleep while I _kissed _him? Alright, alright, I'll tell you.

I kissed him.

Just lightly on the lips, but still he just _had_ to wake up. So when I opened my eyes and saw him staring back at me I nearly wept myself.

"Nothing! I was just… putting back your pillow."

He looked at me with tired eyes. "Huh?"

"Nothing."

"What were you doing?"

"_Nothing!_ I was just putting back your pillow, it had fallen down, and-"

"Matt, you're still holding the pillow."

"Oh." I stared the pillow, like I was some kind of idiot. Well, we've already agreed that I am, haven't we?

"Oh…" I repeated, not realising what I was saying. I was starting to space out.

"What were you doing?" He had really woken up by now. I snapped back to reality and looked at him.

"_Nothing! I said I didn't do anything!" _

He didn't say anything more. He just looked at me. And that's when you know it's too late. When they don't nag at you anymore; when they just look at you with that _oh_-look. I went back to bed and couldn't fall asleep no matter how hard I tried.

Yeah, so that was the time when I really screwed up. It was nice talking to ya'll and… Huh? You wanna hear more? Oh… right… okay, but take a seat, this might take a while.

So where was I? Oh right, I had gone back to bed and tried to sleep. Like I said, it was impossible. Then after what seemed like forever, Tai woke up again. Okay, I dunno if he really _had_ fallen asleep after that, but he sat up.

"Matt, are you awake?"

"Yeah…" I rolled over to my back and stretched out.

"Do you wanna get up?"

"Okay."

Tai went up and started putting his clothes on. I just laid there and wondered if he remembered or even _knew_ what had happened a couple of hours earlier.

We just acted like nothing. And everything kinda went on like usual. It wasn't before a couple of weeks after that, when I made my second mistake. I know, I _am_ an idiot.

I had done him this huge favor. His computer had been all weird and I (well, okay my dad) knew this guy who was really good with computers, so he actually fixed it for him. Can you believe that? So I told Tai that I knew someone who maybe could help him, and he was like 'great' and I said I could take his computer and give it to the guy on the next weekend. So we did that, and it took a while, but then we got it back and it had turned out it wasn't really that complicated. I dunno what the problem was; I'm not that good with computers. But it was fixed and I brought it back to Tai on a Tuesday.

"Put it on."

"So it's fixed?"

"See for yourself!"

Tai pressed the on-button and the computer started.

"Yes! Man, he's good."

It turned out the computer was now better then it had ever been. Tai was so happy he was almost jumping off the chair.

"Yes, yes, yes, yes! Oh man, thank you _so_ much!" Tai jumped up and threw his arms around me.

"Thank you, thank you, thankyou, thankyou, thankyouthankyouthankyou…" I laughed but couldn't help from feeling a little awkward. I almost got dizzy. Tai grabbed my head and gave me a big, wet kiss.

I know what you're thinking, but it wasn't that gentle, romantic kiss ya'll can see in your heads right now. _Really_ not. Then he gave me this huge grin.

"I owe you, man."

"I didn't fix it, Brian did." I said lamely.

"Yeah, well when you meet him again, thank him from me."

"Okay. Should I give him a kiss from you too?"

"You better make that a French kiss, I fuckin' LOVE that dude!" Tai let my head go and turned around to his computer. He sat down and I took a chair to sit down beside him. I remember that my hands were shaking. Tai glanced at me.

"I hope I didn't freak you out or anything…"

"Nah, that's all right. I liked it."

Tai chuckled and looked at me. When he saw my face he realised I was serious. His face went from _ha-ha-ha_ to _oh-my-GOD!_ so fast it was almost funny. _Almost_. He stared at me and I felt my cheeks getting hot, only proving even more that I actually meant what I said before.

"Um… I mean…geez Tai, I was just kidding!"

"You don't look like you were kidding."

"But I was."

"No you weren't."

I opened my mouth to say 'Yes I was' but it was too late anyway. Plus I am not a five-year-old.

"Fine. Whatever, let's play that game you were talking about." I said, desperately trying to change subject. Yeah, fat chance Ishida.

"What! No, what do you mean _whatever?_ Shit, are you kidding? I… I didn't think… I didn't know…"

"Yeah… I didn't want to tell you either." I mumbled.

We looked at each other.

"God… so you're…?"

"Yeah…"

"Man… I mean, shit, I mean… okay…" Tai eyes were wide open, and the tone in his voice was a bit high. He was probably in shock. Well, at least he wasn't pissed off. Yet…

"So… um… a-are you okay with that?" I asked, scared of what the answer might be.

"I dunno… guess it doesn't matter, but… it's just… I had _no_ idea! I can't believe it…"

"I'm sorry…" I said automatically.

He shook his head firmly. "No. Don't apologise. I'm not a little kid. And I'm not a homophobic."

"Good. But I wouldn't blame you if you freaked out. I did."

He looked at me again. "Yeah? When? When did you go…? I mean, when did you realise?"

"When I kissed you."

Tai blinked in surprise. "When did you kiss me?"

"You weren't awake" Oh yeah, good one Matt…

"WHAT? You _kissed_ me when I was _sleeping?"_

I stared at the computer. Tai's voice was uncomfortably loud and he was getting upset.

"It was nothing, I swear." I tried in defence.

"What do you mean _nothing?_ You _kissed_ me! That's gross!"

"I-I gotta go" I mumbled and jumped up.

"Wha… Matt! You can't just-"

Leave? Watch me…

How can he possibly blame me for leaving! That was the most horrible situation I've ever been in! It was like he was gonna kill me! And why the hell did I say all the wrong things? I _hate_ myself.

**tbc**

**If you've read my first version of this chapter, you might've noticed that I changed Matt's age. So he's 17 when he tells this story, witch means he and Tai were around 14, 15 when it actually happened.**

**thanks for reading! more thanks if you review!**


	2. Chapter 2

I'm back! Didn't take that long, did it? But don't expect me to be this fast all the time; this chapter was almost done when I published the first one… so before you get any ideas I just wanna make it clear to everyone that…. I'M NOT A MACHINE! So don't expect too much of me…

**Disclaimer: ****I don't own digimon**

**Warnings: ...um...a sad Yamato?**

Now, ladies and gents, your story is served!

Chapter two

Man, was I freaked out! I was worried about what he was thinking, what he would do, what was going to happen, etc, etc.

I wanted to talk to him; still I wanted to avoid him.

I wanted to die; still I wanted to knock some sense into him.

I wanted to be a girl, and at the same time I wanted to let the world know that there was _nothing _wrong with me.

Wait…_was_ there something wrong with me? Is it just simply _wrong _to fall in love with the same sex?

What makes it wrong? Huh? Who decided that? Someone must have started, and then made everyone listen.

Or maybe it's simply because it's different. Yeah, of course it's because it's different. It's new, it's not normal. It's wrong!

Tai thought so too.

He didn't know me anymore. Even though I hadn't changed. Even though I was still the same Matt. Somehow he just didn't recognise me anymore. Somehow our friendship was gone.

I hated him.

I thought he was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

I HATED him.

I wanted him to kiss me.

I've never hated anyone that much. Ever.

I never stopped dreaming.

He was the same Tai he'd always been. He laughed and smiled, talked to everyone, played football and encouraged his playmates. High fives, cheer ups, doing The Winners-dance. Still not mean against the losers.

That's Tai. Always nice. Always happy. Everyone's favourite.

He never shot me death glares, he didn't roll his eyes when I walked past him. He didn't tell anyone that I was gay.

At some point I was actually disappointed. I wanted to have a _reason_ to be mad at him, to yell at him. I couldn't just walk up and say 'Why aren't you talking to me? Why don't you say hi or hang out with me?'

I had no reason to yell, or blame. He didn't bother me, he didn't threat me, he didn't mock me or spread rumours about me... He was innocent. I was the ugly, gay one who kissed boys when they are sleeping.

So that was it. Yamato Ishida and Taichi Yagami were no longer best friends. Nobody seemed to mind. Tai had lots of other friends (not to say fans) and I… Well, I just went back to the way I was before Tai and I became best friends.

Alone.

I was pretty shoked by how easy it was to go back to that. I mean Tai and I had been mates for what –10 years? Well, maybe 9…nine and a half…

Whatever, my point is; I immediately fell back into the Lonewolf-role. It suited me, somehow.

I stopped going to parties. I didn't fall in love. I didn't call anyone to ask if we could Hang Out Or Somethin'. I didn't ask my dad if I could spend the night at Tai's. I walked home alone. I spend the Friday nights doing homework, playing TV games or watch TV.

After a couple of weeks my dad –out of nowhere- bought me a puppy. Well, it was actually one year old and it could already sit and role and bark.

I'd never asked for a puppy. But it was cute and I loved it.

So I started take him out for walks. I trained him, I played with him, I even _talked _to him. He was like a new Tai. With a tail.

One day I was walking Sally –yes, that's my dog's name. For almost a week I thought she was a _he _and called her Spike- down the street and saw my ex friend. He was walking alone –witch was highly unusual- carrying a football. He didn't see me and I considered turning around and walk somewhere else so that we wouldn't have to meet, but after thinking for a while I realised it was too late. He briefly looked at me. He had a sort of relaxed, natural expression with a small smile in the corner of his mouth, showing that he was a happy person with a happy life. Then he saw Sally and stopped. Sally ran into him and wagged her tail, sniffing and wanted to be patted. He bent down and patted her,babbling things you usually say to dogs. I stood and watched, feeling awkward.

"What's his name?" Tai suddenly asked, not looking up at me. I changed foot nervously.

"Uh… it's a girl. Sally" I mumbled.

"Hi Sally!" Tai chirped, and ruffed her fur. Sally licked his face and he laughed. I looked at the scene. I wished _I_ was a cute dog and could do that.

Tai finally stood up, looking at his shoes and stamping his foot against the ground.

"So what's up?"

"Uh… nothin'…" I said and immediately regretted it. Now there was nothing left to say. I was just about to go when he said

"Do you wanna come and play football?"

I looked at him strangely. I don't know why, but I wanted to say no. Then it hit me that if I did, he'd just find someone else to play football with.

I nodded. "Okay."

"Cool."

We walked in silence. Sally ran between us, back and forward, stopped once in while to… uh, you know, do her stuff.

It felt like I was walking beside a stranger. A stranger I had to impress, like on a blind-date.

I _hate_ blind-dates…

He asked me a little about Sally and I answered very briefly. Yes. No. Yeah. I don't know. Okay.

Every time I'd said something I hated myself. I wanted to say something better, something more laid-back or something nicer. He must've thought I was the most boring person in whole universe. Why didn't I just say something more? How hard could that be?

After a while we reached the park. To my disappointment I noticed that some kids were already playing on the small football ground. Tai just went right over and placed the football on the ground. All the kids were chasing their ball on the other side. They hadn't noticed Tai. Yet.

Soon they turned, running against the other goal where Tai was kicking and doing all kinds of tricks.

"Hey! We're playing here, man! You can't just-"

"Fuck off!"

I just gaped at him. Did he actually say that? Although those kids were certainly not older than us, they weren't that much younger either. And there were at least twelve of them.

"_What did you say_?"

Tai hadn't even bothered to look up at them, he just continued kicking his ball back and forward, up on the knee, and then heading the ball into the goal.

"I'm talking to you, buttface!"

The others gathered around the guy who was trying to get Tai's attention. They all seemed to wait for the two of them to start fighting. Tai finally showed some attention as he turned around and faced him.

"Yes?"

"I said you can't play here, _we're _playing"

Tai started walking towards him.

"Yeah. I heard." Tai stopped right in front of him, gazing challenging at him. "But I said; _fuck. Off." _

All the others held their breath, thinking the same thing.

'Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight…!'

Tai and the leader continued glaring at each other, both refusing to back off. However, it seemed (to me, at least) that Tai wasn't gonna be the first one to give up, since he actually seemed to enjoy this. He had a small smirk on his face, obviously having fun mocking the guy. As seconds slowly went by, the leader looked more and more frustrated and uncomfortable. After thirty seconds, he growled and turned away from Tai's smirk.

"Let's go." he muttered to the guys as he passed them. They followed, looking very disappointed.

I looked at Tai who immediately had started to kick the ball again.

"You're insane." I informed him.

"I knew he didn't have the balls for it. What a chicken."

"He's like _ten years old_! You're a real bully." I said, feeling sorry for the guy.

"Give me a break! He'll be playing here again tomorrow. And the next day, and the next… it's not like I destroyed his football, or sommin."

"No, but his self-esteem." Tai looked up.

"What's up your ass? C'mon, I scared the kids away, let's play!"

I didn't say anything, suddenly remembering that I didn't have the right. Why was I being such a bitch about this? This was my only chance to be with him. Maybe tomorrow it would all go back to the way it was yesterday and he would never speak to me again. This way a great opportunity.

If today was the last time I got to spend some time with my best friend why should I spend it on pissing him off?

I tied Sally's leash to a bench and walked out on the grass.

"You'll be the goalkeeper, okay?"

I sighed. Not only did I hate football, I was afraid of balls. Eheh, _foot_balls, I mean.

- - - -

"Matt, for _fuck sake!_ You're supposed to _catch _it, not run away from it!"

"Hey, I'm doing my best y'know!"

Tai sighed deeply, letting me know how disappointed he was at me. I felt really ashamed.

"Alright let's switch then," he muttered.

"Um… okay." I mumbled, not taking my eyes off my shoes. As we passed each other, he patted my shoulder, like I always saw him doing to his playmates when they were playing. I've always been jealous of them.

"C'mon Matt, I know you suck at football."

I stopped and turned around, wondering if he'd been serious. Hearing that from him hurt me more than anything. Why did he keep mocking me?

Then I saw him grinning at me. After two seconds of staring, I grinned back.

Okay, so maybe we weren't completely strangers after all. We were back to best friends. At least for now, when no one was there to catch the football-star hanging out with the fag.

**Well, that's it! Chapter nr two XD please review people, it means a LOT to me **

PS, I made some small changes on this one too, but it's nothing huge, except that I changed the number of years Tai and Matt had known each other. Other than that I just spell-checked a little.


	3. Chapter 3

I'm really sorry I've been such a lazy-ass _bitch_ for not updating for so long! But there were a couple of weeks after the second chapter were I had _no_ clue how to continue the story, I was completely stuck! And then suddenly I just started, and it actually worked out pretty well. So I really hope you'll like it!

Disclaimer: still don't own anything

Warning: bad language I guess, and a bit angst…

--------------------------

Chapter 3

Later that night I was sitting on my bed, stroking Sally and staring into the wall. No, I am not a psychic; I am a _thinker. _Big difference.

Tai had been so nice to me today. As if _that _had never even happened. Sure, he made a total ass out of me when we were playing football, but that's just Tai being… Tai. Even though we're not friends anymore, I think I'm one of the few people he can be himself around. To other people he's just…

I was gonna say _polite, _but I don't think that's the right word. More like _social. _Yeah. Maybe I'm wrong, though. Just because he mocked _me_ all the time and was so many other things than _polite _around me doesn't mean that was he being himself. Maybe we just had that kind of screwed-up relationship. Like siblings. Sibling-relationship.

Doesn't siblings love each other? Of course they do! Well okay, I wouldn't know –I'm the only child. But I do think siblings love each other... don't they?

So if I'm not totally wrong he did _love _me on some level. That sounds really weird… Okay, strike that –I _meant a lot to him. _We were close. We were… best…

I sighed deeply and closed my eyes. Why do these thoughts always hunt me? Why can't I just forget it? Why must they always come back? Memories of all the stuff we did, the things we said, secrets we shared, stories we made up together, games we played, all the different moments we shared with each other. All the fun we had… _dammit!_

Why? _Why _did I have to fall in love with him? He's not _that _great. As a former best friend I know a lot of his… _not-so-pretty_-sides. He snores, he lies, he laughs at his own jokes, he can be _really _gross sometimes, he always thinks about food, he can almost never be serious, he's embarrassing, he's mean, he's stupid, he's… dumb!

Okay _fine,_ I can't come up with anything more but it was a pretty long list though, right?

On the other hand, the list about his _good_ sides is like ten times longer. I could just spend hours talking about his looks… and then another hour talking about his voice, and then another talking about his scent, and then another about his kindness, and then about how funny he is… and how fun it is to be with him. And all the things we… aah! What the fuck is wrong with me!

_Stop. _Don't. Think. About. T…

…how soft his lips look when he speaks, and how great his smile is, and how deep and beautiful his eyes are…

Mr Ishida knocked on the door and poked his head inside, concern written all over his face.

"Matt? What's wrong?"

I didn't answer. This wasn't the first time it had happened, but it was he first time my dad had heard me. I felt sostupid I just wanted to disappear. Go. Away. Please.

Dad hurried into the room and sat down next to me. "Yamato? Why are you crying?"

_Because I'm a fucking fag and fags cry all the time, didn't you know that?_

He pulled me into a typical Father And Son-hug. Big mistake. I just started crying even more.

"Sch, there, there… just tell me what's wrong, Matt" He rocked his fifteen-year-old son in his arms like I was some kind of baby.

What's _wrong? _My whole life is wrong! _I'm _wrong.

"I-I…" sob "…he…" I couldn't even speak.

"Is this about Taichi?" dad asked in a serious voice.

_Yes, Mr Know-it-all, it is. Now leave me alone!_

I nodded, my whole body shaking with sobs. He stroked my hair.

Hey!_ Watch the hair!_

"You two had a fight?" _Dad, for fuck sake; I'm fifteen! Don't talk to me like I'm a five-year-old!_

"He hasn't been here for a while now. Did something happen?"

None of your business!

I nodded.

"Did you say something mean?" he asked, still stoking my hair –that _bastard_. I shook my head.

_Why are you just assuming that it was **my** fault? _

"You know, Matt, sometimes friends just grow apart –even if they were the best friends ever. That happened to me when I was at your age and…"

"_No,_ dad!" I pulled away and wiped away my tears. I glared at him. How could he be so _dense?_ He doesn't know shit about what I'm feeling!

"Taichi just doesn't want to be friends with a fucking _fag!_ And it was all my fault because I kissed him once! And now he _hates _me!"

Dad stared at me like I'd just punched him in the face. He looked shocked, almost _scared. _Like he didn't recognise me anymore. So what did I do? I broke down. _Again._ What the hell happened to the Iceman? And Mr Cool?

Oh, right. They turned gay… well, never mind then...

I buried my head into my hands, shutting the world out. Sally started licking my hands and wanted my attention. I shoved her away. Stupid dog. Then my dad laid his hand on my shoulder. I wanted to jerk it way, but I was so tired –tired of _everything._

"Matt, I'm really sorry that happened. I'm sorry it had to go that way. But don't ever say it's you fault, do you hear me?"

"It _was _my fault!" I whined in protest, face still buried into my hands. "I kissed him! I kissed him when he was _asleep_ and then he woke up but I said I didn't do anything and then when Brian fixed his computer he kissed me just for fun because he was so happy and then he kinda apologised because I looked so shocked and then I said it was alright because I liked it and then he was like OMG are you serious and then I just told him everything and he got so mad and he said I was gross and he just stopped speaking to me but I can't fucking blame him for anything cuss he doesn't talk shit behind my back and today we played football and it was like we were friends again but tomorrow it's just gonna be the same and I'm gonna be all alone again n' I don't wanna be alone…!"

…did any of that make _any _sense at all?

There was a short silence.

"…wow" dad said finally.

_No shit?_

I didn't answer. Just buried my face into my hands again.

"Matt I understand you feel guilty and it's not that surprising that Tai got mad when you told him. But to me it seems like he's got more problems with your sexuality then just a stupid kiss. And if he can't except you for who you are, then he doesn't deserve it."

"But I…he's my _best friend! _I have no other friends other than him. You know how it was before I met him; it's just like that now! And now everything is worse because before that I was just a kid and I was straight! And now I'm just depressed and I'm fucking _gay! I don't' wanna be gay!" _

Dad rubbed my back soothingly. "Being gay hasn't got anything to do with your personality. You're just the same as you were before, right? Just because you like guys instead of girls doesn't mean you're a bad person! And not everyone is going to think that, either. You'll see that eventually. Being 15 isn't easy. Kids can be… _cruel. _But just remember that not everyone think it's wrong."

"…Do you think it's wrong?" I said in a low voice, almost a whisper.

Dad shook his head firmly. "No. It's not wrong. I wasn't too fond of the idea of grandchildren anyway. Makes me feel old." He chuckled. I let out a weak laugh and looked at him. Then I grinned.

"I might adopt though"

* * *

The next morning... 

"_Stupid school. Stupid life." _I muttered to no one in particular.

I looked down at the ground I was walking on.

"_Stupid ground." _

I was walking towards school. And (as if loneliness wasn't enough) I'd forgot to do my homework.

"Ma… er, Yamato!" I stopped.

Oh no.

_No way…_

Yes, we had the same way to school, but he'd always found a way to avoid walking with me. I never saw him before school. Maybe that was just a coincidence… No! No, he _is _avoiding me, we _aren't _friends, he _hates _me!

As I stood there, wasting time by thinking, Tai caught up and was now standing beside me. _Shit. _

"Hey!"

"Hey."

"You look down." He stated. "Pms:ing now again?"

"I was thinking. And fuck you" I responded before I even got a chance to think. Tai chuckled.

Wait… are we actually having a conversation? Does greeting+greeting+insult+ respond equal conversation? You gotta help me out here cuss I'm not very good at math.

"So… are we going, or are you gonna spend the rest of the day standing here and _think_?" he asked, amusement in his voice.

"Uh… no… I mean, yes? I mean…"

"Let's go, Matt" He patted my shoulder –something he always did when we were buddys- and started walking.

I stared after him. _Taichi Yagami _had just talked to me, insulted me, asked me to walk with him _and _patted my shoulder! Am I dreaming?

"Hey, hold up!"

"No can do, we're already late." Tai said without looking back. So I ran after him.

We walked in silence. I couldn't decide if it was an awkward or a relaxed silence.

"You were pretty good yesterday," Tai mentioned. I looked at him doubtfully.

"Yeah right, you called me a loser like ten times!"

Tai shrugged. "Yeah, well… you kinda are."

I looked at him, annoyed. "You just said I was good!"

"I know"

"What the hell!"

"Aaand we're here! Just in time." Tai said as we entered the schoolyard. He looked my way. "Come on!" I sighed and we ran across the schoolyard, reaching the doors the same second the bell rang.

* * *

I stared at the board, slowly rubbing my thumb against my pen. Yes, I was once again _thinking. _Or more like daydreaming. The teacher was mumbling somewhere about something, and classmates were spread out around me, whispering with each other, yawning, writing, sighing, moving around and someone was answering the teachers question. But all this was just a blur; my mind was focused on _him. _As it always was. In my head he was talking, joking, laughing, grinning, smiling, gazing at me with his gorgeous, brown…

"Mr Ishida!" the teacher yelled as if he had nothing better to do than scaring the shit out of me.

Mr Ishida is my _father, _and he's_ 40 years old. _I'm_ Yamato! You hear me? YAMATO!_

"Yes?"

"I believe you didn't quite pay enough attention to actually _hear my question, _Mr Ishida," my teacher said in a mocking tone. Everyone giggled.

_Yes, it's SO amusing when a teacher's mocking a student! Ha. Ha. HA!_

"I'm sorry, I was…"

"He was thinking" someone filled in. I turned my head and looked at Tai who was sitting two benches away, smirking. He winked at me, and I looked away quickly.

Now, some of you might be a little confused, but let me just tell you that Tai is just a very… _social _person. I dunno if that made any sense but he's the kind who does things like, oh I don't know… kiss guys when they've fixed his computer? So… if you think _that's _bad then you should see him when he's around _girls! _

"I think Mr Ishida can answer himself, Mr Yagami." The teacher said with an irritated voice. He once again turned to me.

"Uh…"

"Well?"

I blinked. I _really _don't like it when teachers look at me like that. "Um, yes. I was thinking."

"Well. I suggest you start using your head for your _homework _instead of _daydreaming._"

Giggles. Why can't you just_ shut the fuck up!_

I resisted the urge to give him the finger and nodded my head.

_Yes, your Majesty, you're absolutely right! Nothing you say is wrong, and everything we say is bullshit. We live only to admire and look up to you._

You guys wanna hear a secret?

I don't like teachers that much.

* * *

Right. Left. Right. Left. Right again. Aaand here comes the left one. 

I don't get it...

Right.

I _really _don't get it.

Left…

"…so they're gonna throw him out of the team. And it's kind of a shame cuss he's pretty good but he's so incredible _dense _sometimes, y'know, but when he actually pays attention he kicks ass! And so now he's all pissed and I don't know what to say to him cuss he thinks I'm a smartass, and now he won't even help me with the project anymore, just because he's getting kicked out and now…"

Yeah, you guessed it.

Tai.

But don't ask me why he's _talking _to me, cuss I _really _don't know.

I look down at my feet again. It's very fascinating. Left foot. Right foot. Left. Right. Left…

"Wanna come over to my place?" Tai asked.

I looked at him. He looked back, looking like he'd just asked what time it is.

"Uh…"

NO! Remember what dad said! _Tai _made the decision not to speak to me, and _now _he wants to be buddys? He's a asshole!

I didn't even remember _when_ he started to talk to me. But we're halfway home, and he's been talking a whole lot, and I've been studying my feet a whole lot, so… it must have been a while. But I don't get it! Why? Why is he talking to me? He's got lots of other friends to hang out with! He's not in desperate need of someone to talk to; there's plenty to choose between.

"Matt? Are you in there? Seriously, you gotta stop your daydreaming, you'll get in serious trouble for it someday, I swear!"

"Whatever." I muttered.

"So yes or no? Are you coming or not?"

"That's pretty rude to ask, Tai" I replied, not able to hide my smirk. He blinked at me. Then he started laughing.

"Screw you, man"

Hee hee. I made him laugh. I love it when he laughs…

On the other hand -Tai is a pretty cheerful person, he laughs at everything… just give up, Ishida.

"Will you answer my question already!" Tai exclaimed sounding irritated.

Whoops. Must've spaced out a little. Again.

"Question?" I asked, still a thousand miles away.

Tai stopped walking. "For Christ sake; are coming over or not? I mean you don't _have _to if you don't want to, but if you don't then just _say_ so!"

Now he looked insecure. Like guys do when they ask girls out on a date.

Date? Come on now, Matt, _focus! _

"Why do you want me to? It's not like we're friends or anything…" I muttered, sounding like a hurt little five-year-old. A hurt little five-year-old _girl. _

_Gah_.

"Well yeah, but I thought we could, y'know… just hang out like we used to." he mumbled, shrugging.

"Why? I'm not _gross _anymore?" I yelled.

Why am I_ yelling?_

Tai looked at me with his big innocent eyes, not following obviously. Or maybe just _pretending _not to follow.

_Don't give me that shit, Yagami! _

"…gross? When did I say that?"

"Just before I took off, when I… told you I was…" I stopped right there. I haven't even said that sentence out loud. Not to him, at least.

"Oh. I'm sorry, dude, I just… said everything that popped up in my head, I wasn't thinking! You know I always do that."

"Oh, so now I'm just gonna forgive you just because _I know you always do that!_"

"Matt, can we talk about this some other place?" he said in a low voice, looking over his shoulder. "And talk as in _not yelling?_"

"What, now you're embarrassed of me?" I yelled, furious.

Where did all this anger come from?

"_No, _I just wanna work this out, but… STOP YELLING, DAMMIT!"

Fuck.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck…_

I heard him gasp and everything went silent.

No, Matt, why do you always do this!

"…er, Matt?"

Stop! Stop it _now, _Ishida!

"Matt, are you okay?"

You _baby! _You stupid little _baby!_

I turned away and ran. Where? I dunno, I just ran, as fast as I could. The way back to school just happened to lie under my feet. But then after a while, the road took a turn and I continued on path that led into the woods. The way to school is running along a forest. I've walked on this path many times. But I've never run on it. Now I see why.

As I make my way further into to the forest, trying my best not to trip over roots and other stuff just lying in my way, I can't hear anything but my own panting.

Ever tried running when you're crying? Don't! It's almost as bad as running when you're _laughing._

Yes, Iam crying. Poor little Matty is once again _crying._

Just when I think I'm alone and maybe should start consider stopping since my lungs are about to explode, I get knocked over.

Yepp. That idiot has followed me. But I don't get why he let me run this far before attacking me. Maybe he was thinking a little before running –trying to decide whether to do it or not. Maybe.

Of course I'm landing on the worst way you can possible land. I'm landing on his arms that are wrapped around my shoulders and on roots that decided to stick up right… you don't wanna know. And of course he banged his chin into the back of my head. Great, now I'm gonna get blind as well.

What the hell was that for! Huh? This isn't _rugby_ you stupid fuck!

Why won't this guy leave me alone?

_Flashback_

"Why won't you just leave. Me. Alone!"

The stupid brunette just grinned. "Because I can't. What's your name?"

I stopped and glared at him. Not a fully developed Ishida-death-glare but still a pretty good glare. "I told you it was non of your business!"

"Is it secret?" the stupid boy asked. Then his eyes lit up. "Are you in the FBI?"

I rolled my eyes. Again: not a fully developed Ishida-eye-roll, but still a quite good one.

"No"

"It's alright, I won't tell anyone." the brunette assured me. "Do you own a gun?"

"_No, _now stop following me." I started walking again. The brunette followed. Gee, what a shock.

"Why should I? You're interesting. Is that your real colour?" he asked, pointing at my hair.

I stared. _What was up with this kid? _"Yes."

"Cool! I wish I had hair like that!"

"You'd look ridiculous."

"Yeah, maybe. Do you like football?"

"No."

"Do you like _anything?" _

I stopped once again and faced him. "No."

He grinned. "Well I like you. You're funny." He reached out a tanned hand. "I'm Taichi. But call me Tai."

"You shake hands with your _right _hand."

Taichi looked confused. "Which one is that?"

"The other one" I said, getting more and more annoyed.

"Oh." Taichi reached out the other hand. "I'm Tai."

"I know"

"What's your name?"

I sighed and gave up. "Ishida Yamato" I muttered, shaking his hand hesitatingly.

His eyes once again lit up. "Cool! Can I call you Matt?"

What!

"_No!"_

* * *

"Matt? Are you okay?" 

"Ow."

I tried shifting so that his knee wasn't pressing into my leg. Didn't work.

"No. You're too heavy for me to be okay."

Seriously, how much does this guy weigh?

Tai removed his chin from my head and pulled away his arms from under my chest. Not a moment too soon…

When I'd blown a few strands of hair away from my face and moved a little, it suddenly hit me. Tai was lying on top of me. I had landed on my stomach and he had landed on… well, _me. _

So (obviously) I wasn't facing him -thank _God_- but still, our bodies were like _glued_ together. We've never laid so close to each other. Ever! Not even when we were sleeping in that little hut we'd built in Tai's room (even though we weren't aloud to sleep there) and had to lie completely straight, our backs against each other.

Do I even have to mention that I was now blushing like crazy? Didn't think so either.

"Tai, get off of me!" I said, trying to sound angry but I just sounded whiny and pathetic. Tai got up to his feet and stepped away a little, brushing some dirt off his jeans.

I sat up slowly, not liking the feeling of dirt all over my frame. I growled out loud, letting him know he'd actually hurt me by landing on top of me. The least thing he could do now was to apologise.

Do I sound like a woman? Yeah, well… he _ruined my clothes! _Urgh, and my back… I'm never gonna be able to stand up ever again.

Tai seemed to remember why he'd done this in the first place and took a step towards me.

"Matt? Aren't you gonna get up?"

"Just leave me alone." I muttered, glaring into a tree.

"I can't. Remember?"

Nice try.

"You've been doing just fine these last couple of weeks."

Tai took another step towards me. Now his feet were standing right beside me.

"So I'm an asshole. I'm sorry?"

"Why can't you just stick to it instead?" I blurted out. "You turned your back on me and that was fine cuss I handled it! But then you can't even make up your damn mind and now you're just confusing me!"

He sat down, trying to get eye contact. No such luck.

"I was just being an idiot, okay? I freaked. And then I got a chance think it over. It's not even that big a deal."

"That's what you said when I told you as well. Then I said I… _that, _and you hated me! Don't you see? What if I say something stupid again?"

He hesitated. "Like what?"

I didn't answer.

"Whoa, hold up, it wasn't a _French _kiss was it?"

I rolled my eyes. "You can't _french_ someone when they're sleeping, dumbass."

"Alright, just checking. You're the dumbass, dumbass."

He pushed me a little, trying to make me smile. I just frowned again.

"It's not funny."

"Look, can't we just forget this ever happened? I said I was sorry, and I'm all right with the whole gay-thing, so let's just…"

"It's not that easy."

"Why not? Why don't you wanna be friends with me again?"

"Why do you bother? You've got other people to hang with." I looked at him, realisation dawning on me. "Don't you fucking tell me this is out of pity!"

His eyes widened. "No! No, no, it's not… I mean, I've noticed you've been kinda lonely… but it's not that! I swear!"

"Then why?"

"Because I… we've been friends _forever!_ I don't just wanna end it like that."

I looked at the tree again. "Well, you did. And you made it very clear by saying I'm gross." I stood up.

"As I said I freaked out! I didn't mean it!" Tai tried to explain as he got to his feet as well. "Matt, honestly. You don't believe that, do you?"

I met his eyes. "What? That it's true?" He nodded slowly. I looked away, feeling tears burning behind my eyes.

Don't tell me I'm gonna start crying now again!

Before I could answer (not that I intended to) he pulled me into a hug. It was really awkward and soon he pulled back again, looking a little unsure. I looked at my feet, trying to stop the tears.

"It's not true, Matt. It's not. Matt, look at me."

I didn't. He lifted my chin up and saw the pain in my eyes. I could see that he was shocked. He's known me for nine years, and still he gets shocked when my eyes actually shows emotion. They usually don't, at least not when I'm hurt. They can show anger, maybe happiness, amusement, and mockery and otherwise they're just blank and empty. But this time I couldn't hide.

Tai stared at me, looking so guilty and insecure and worried that I almost felt sorry for him. "Matt, I… I haven't told anyone, no one knows," he said, trying to comfort me.

"It's not that." I sighed, not knowing if I should continue or not. "I thought… I thought you hated me…"

"I didn't! I mean I don't!"

"Let me finish, dammit!" I yelled, not really controlling _any _of my feelings that well at the moment. "I thought you were unable to accept me for who I am, and it _killed_ me because it was such a waste of friendship to be destroyed just by a… a… if I could, I would've turned straight again I swear! I didn't choose this."

Tai was silence for a while. Then he just hugged me again. This time long enough for me to actually _get _that I was in his arms, that my head was just about _this _close to his, that our frames were touching and that he was really worm and this all felt very… nice. Just when I thought he was gonna pull away, I wrapped my arms around his waist, so that it would last a little longer. I really liked the feeling of having my arms around him and him having his arms around me.

"Please don't think stuff like that. It's not true." He said, sounding way too serious for being Tai.

"You don't hate me then?" I mumbled, just so that I would hear him say it.

"No. You know I don't. If I did I wouldn't hang around so much."

"So you're alright with me being… " I paused.

Why can't I say it?

"Yepp."

"You don't think I'm gross?"

"Nope"

"You accept me for who I am?"

"Mhm. Don't care if you screw guys, just don't tell me about it."

"…shut up" I muttered, satisfied. He grinned.

Believe it or not, but we were still hugging each other. It was a very comfortable, relaxed and alsosoothing position.

"So we're friends?"

"Yepp."

"You'll keep it a secret?"

"Course I will."

"You think I'm hot?"

"No. I mean yes? No! What the hell!" He pulled away and I laughed harder then I've done in a long time.

"That's not funny." He pouted. I grinned. "Yes it is!" He didn't pout for very long. As I mentioned earlier: Tai is a _very_ happy person. So after like two or three seconds he grinned right back.

"Whatever, are we cool now? Or do you want to continue the friend-make up? Want me to say I love you and shit?" I punched his arm playfully.

Hey, I _can_ punch!

"No. I know you do."

"That's good honey. Now let's go clean your pants."

I looked down.

_Fuck! I forgot about my pants!_

"My pants! My pants are destroyed! You destroyed my pants! You _ass!_"

Tai bit his lip, not really knowing how to handle this. "I'm… sorry?"

"Aargh! You fucking destroyed my pants!"

"Matt, come on! You don't have to get all pissed _again! _I just spent like fifteen minutes on making you happy!"

"You destroyed…!" I went silence.

When did he get so close? One minute he was like three foot away and now he was right in front of me. Tai reached his hand out and brushed some strands of hair away from my eyes.

"You know…" he said thoughtfully, his thumb still toughing my face lightly. "If you were a girl, I'd probably date you."

I stared at him, speechless. Speechless because he was so _damn _close, and speechless because…_what the hell do you say to that? _

He nodded to himself. "Yeah. I'd _definitely _date you." His hand began stroking my hair slowly and I just kept staring, unable to move. He grinned. "Aren't you gonna say '_Watch the hair!'_?_"_ I blinked, feeling like an actor without his lines. His hand was so soft and his eyes were so warm, and he was still standing so close.

_Where's my line?_

Tai chuckled.

"What?" I managed to get out. Yay, a whole word…

"You're blushing!" Tai said in a teasing voice that only made me blush even more.

_Alarm! ALARM! Too close for too long!_

"Fuck you" I muttered and pushed him away. "And you're still paying for these!"

* * *

_On the Yagami's kitchen table... and not like _that_, you freaks!_

"You're such an idiot." I said, crossing my arms over my chest. I don't know why, but it's something very satisfying in saying those words.

"I said I was sorry!" Tai shot back, tired of my complaining.

"You're only making it _worse!" _

"Well it wouldn't be so fucking hard if you could just _stay still!_"

"I can't, I hurts when you rubbing it over and over!" I whined, still jerking my leg away whenever Tai started rubbing the fabric.

"Then take them off, dammit!" he growled, sinking back against the wall. "This isn't working. Take your goddamned pants off or buy a new pair!"

I just snorted at that. "Like I'm gonna run around in your house half naked. _In your dreams, Yagami!"_

"In _your _dreams, Ishida. Take'em off, or I won't help you."

I growled in frustration. "No!" Tai sighed and got up to his feet.

"Look" he said, starting to unfasten his belt. I stared at him. I never thought I'd witness this. Ever. "Borrow my jeans, all right, and meanwhile I'll try to get the stain off."

"Y-you can't just walk around here without pants!"

"It's my house" Tai unzipped his jeans and pulled them down to his ankles.

_Wholly Mother of… _

I looked away, not knowing what to do. I didn't know if I'd be able to take this, and if I wouldn't, then I certainly didn't want to take my pants off! Might as well jump right into his arms and say _Oh, Tai I love you! Let's make love right here, right now! _

I don't need him to know that not only am I homosexual, I also think the image of him taking his jeans off is quite a turn-on. That's way too much fact for him to handle!

"I, um… I gotta go"

Déjà vu, anyone?

I left Tai standing in his green boxers (so hot on him and his tanned skin!), with a confused look on his face.

I reached the bathroom and slammed the door shut behind me.

"_Shit! Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit…_" I hissed at the bathroom wall. It didn't answer. Walls are so stupid... I looked in the mirror and noticed my cheeks were blushed. _Shock. _I looked down. Except for my blushed cheeks it wasn't… _that _bad. But I sure as hell _would've_ got a hard-on if I'd been in there just a little longer. I washed my face and tried to calm down. This wasn't good. I couldn't just tell him that I had a crush on him! Even if he_ would_ accept that, it wouldn't work. It just wouldn't.

I jumped when I heard a knock on the door.

"Matt? Can you open up?"

"It's already open," I muttered. Tai opened the door.

"Hey"

"Hey…"

He slowly walked in and closed the door behind him. "Can we talk? I really need to get some things straight."

I sighed. "Sure."

"…can we go to my room, or something? I don't really feel like talking in the bathroom," he said, smiling a little.

I nodded, and followed him out. We headed for his room and he once again shut the door behind us. I sat down on his bed and he took a seat on the desk-chair. I tried pressing my hands onto my thighs to stop them from shaking. Why do they always get shaky?

"So…" he started. I just looked at the wall, feeling very tired suddenly.

"Yeah…"

"I just wanna know… uh, you know when… you told me you were gay, and you said you were sure because you kissed me?" I met his eyes.

"Yes?"

"Was that… that night when you were putting my pillow back? Although you were still holding the pillow?"

I smirked. Despite how unbelievably stupid he made that sound, I understood completely. "Yes. I, um…" Did he really need to know this? I looked away again, not knowing whether to continue or not.

"What?" Tai urged me to continue. I sighed, still gazing at Tai's wall.

"I… I wasn't just…putting back your pillow…" I mumbled.

Now it was his time to smirk. "No shit?"

"I was… uh… kinda…watching you."

Tai raised his eyebrows. "Watching me?"

"Yeah."

Silence.

"Why?" he asked, tilting his head to the side.

"Um…cuss… you're a guy?"

_Lame! _

"…you were watching me_ because I'm a guy?" _Tai repeated, sounding very sceptical.

"Uh… yeah?" I said in a very small voice. Yeah. _That'll_ do the trick.

"I see."

That's a very nice wall he's got there. Very nice.

I could feel his gaze on me. It was the one he always used when he was trying to get secrets out of me.

Finally I couldn't take the pressure anymore.

"It's not like I… I… I was just deciding whether I was gonna kiss you or not!"

"Mhm"

"It's not like I… you… uh…"

"Could you repeat that last part? Didn't quite get that."

Okay, now he's being _mean! _

I sighed, trying to gain confidence. "Look, you're a guy –right? I'm _gay._ I was spending the night at your place. I woke up. You were sleeping. You're… not the ugliest guy alive. I watched you. And then I kissed you." I said, talking really slowly to avoid sounding desperate. "No. Big. Deal." Met his eyes. "Drop it."

Tai looked at me a little while longer, then he shrugged. "Alright. Not gonna bring that up again."

"Good."

There was a short pause where neither of us said anything, probably thinking about _how _we were gonna return to our best buddys-roles.

"You want ice-cream?"

I looked at him. Then I nodded my head. "Sure." He grinned. And that just looked so fucking dorky I started grinning as well.

See, I told you he was obsessed with food!

Although, this time Tai's appetite actually got us back to the right 'best friends-spirit' and we were ready to go back to our old life as best buddys ever. A life I'd come to appreciate a lot the last few weeks.

As we headed for the kitchen, ready to eat up every single piece of ice cream the Yagami's had left, my still unspoken secret was a million miles away. For now, it was all about hanging out with the only guy a wanted to hang out with.

Yeah baby, Yamato Ishida and Taichi Yagami are back on track, as –once again- best friends! _Ever. _

**I really enjoy writing this story, it's so fun! XD Just remember it's kinda rushed cuss I wrote it way faster then I usually do, and it got a _lot _longer then I had planned... but that's good, right? **

**This is _so _not done yet, it will definitely be continued! So don't worry**

**Yeah... Like it?**


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